Relapse

First of all, i'm still alive. My intention to start this blog was for outfit posts but seriously, i need to get this out of my system.

I've been avoiding everyone, especially my friends, because everyone has find a purpose in their life. Except for me.

For now, I'm not avoiding my family completely because they are trying to understand my situation but i know no one can help me except for myself.

I've been in this situation before and that was about 12 years ago but i manage to pull myself out of that situation myself.

I'm not looking for sympathy but understanding.

Right now, i'm a little lost and just taking it one day at a time. I'm not going to cry and I'm not going to be all emotional.

2011 wasn't a good year for me, in fact it was the most painful year i went through.

Only those who are really close to me knows what happen, so if you are curious, maybe you should wait awhile longer because I'm not ready to type the truth here.

The real reason that i'm avoiding friends is because i have hatred and anger towards them. Whenever i have calls or text messages, whether i want to go out or not, i would feel so angry and hate them till the point that i'm tired and would ignore their ongoing interactions with me. 

I hate it when that happens. I hate it.

People do drugs. People do reckless things. People cut their wrists. People do things that they know are wrong.

I imagine myself doing those things but that would hurt my parents, especially my mum.

That is not me. 

The first lie that i told was last year and i kept lying and lying and it just started to snowball into something that i feel its out of control.

That is not me.

I sincerely apologize to all who feel that I'm ignoring them or avoiding them.

Like those who have addictions, when you know that its not who you are, you go out and check yourself into rehab.

You separate yourself from the real world and you get help to fix yourself up.

Some people take months. Some people take years to finally be themselves.

I admit that I'm much more reserved than before. I don't like it.

All i'm asking is time. I'll fight my way to overcome this.

I've done it before and i'll do it again.

Sincerely,

Hazimah Binte Razali